I’ve stated a few times how kindness will be an overall theme of this blog. The idea will weave itself through most, if not all of my posts and be incorporated into the inspiration behind every product I sell. Kindness is crucial in today’s world, but it’s not natural.
Let’s just stop right there and clarify exactly what kindness actually is. Seems obvious, but you’d be surprised. All the dictionary definitions give something like “the quality of being friendly, generous and considerate” or “behavior marked by ethical character”.
I’d argue that kindness is much more than just outward behaviors of friendliness and generosity. I’ve certainly acted in ways that might seem kind to the naked eye, but if a trip into my heart motivations were to take place, you’d see something quite different.
Kindness is a heart posture that is forgetful of self in order to consider another. (my definition)
Total Depravity
If you have at least one child, then you probably have one who has trouble with kindness. Did you see what I did there? Kindness isn’t in our nature. It’s just not. I think we’d like to believe that it is, and we’d like to observe it naturally in our little ones, but unfortunately, we’re susceptible to an entitlement and selfishness that shows up so early in life that it can be mind-boggling. We're all born with an innate desire to be in control. To get what we want. To be the most considered.
Please...lets see a show of hands for anyone who hasn’t had to deal with a screaming toddler melting down in a public place EVER.
Another show of hands for the 4 year old who happily agrees to share his toys with his sibling.
And finally, a show of hands for the non-sassy teenager who obeys with a smile and a non-sarcastic yes, ma’am...every time.
So all we’ve determined thus far is that by nature, we’re all kind of jerks.
So what do we do?
I’ve found LOTS of lists out there, in cute formats mostly, with ideas for teaching our kids how to be kind, generous and servant-hearted. We can teach them say kind things, to smile at strangers, to volunteer or serve in the community or to pick up trash at the park...these are not bad things. Yet, whenever I try to do these things with my kids, I always end up throwing my hands in the air and feeling like I’ve somehow missed the mark.
Explaining the importance of kindness to children goes even further south. I find that I’m mostly telling my children to be kind so that others will approve of them. So that they will seem like they are not so selfish. And so that they will appear a certain way that is more agreeable. This is NOT my goal at all.
I absolutely think we’ve got to model service and generosity for our children. But kindness...that’s another thing.
Kindness starts with something else first. There’s a primer that must be applied before kindness will stick.
The precursor to kindness is humility.
Humility requires that you take your ego, your opinions and your rights, and you set them aside for the sake of another. Humility opens you up to submission. Humility is recognizing that your value does not come from outcomes going your way, and that your desire to be right, to be satisfied and to be served are secondary. I’d argue that true kindness is impossible without understanding the concept of humility.
And humility isn’t a one time lesson. It’s a daily surrender of self.
And the greatest way we teach humility to our kids is by modeling it and speaking it. This means we don’t escalate arguments, we don’t pout when things don’t go our way, we don’t grumble and complain.
It’s easy to be kind during the easy-going, fun, agreeable times. But what comes flowing out of us during those other moments?
Kindness when you don't agree
kindness when you don't get what you want
Kindness when you're at odds
So Practically
Apologies are big in our home. We all say them and we say them in a very specific way. The required language is...
"I was wrong and I'm sorry. Will you forgive me for…”?
It's easy for kids to throw out a fake "I'm sorry" and I’d had enough after a year or two of hearing those between my two oldest. So now, I make them state the actual words that they were wrong. Why? Because NOBODY IS ALWAYS RIGHT! Even if you can justify your behavior, you can still be wrong.
They must also ask for specific forgiveness. What did you contribute? Own it. This is how we approach the throne of Jesus. We will also honor one another by owning our mistakes and making them right.
Forgiveness is big in our home. I misunderstood forgiveness for the first two decades of my life. We forgive in the moment because the reality is that Jesus forgives us every single time we ask. We speak that reminder outloud, especially when it looks like someone is thinking about withholding forgiveness.
Forgiveness isn’t a feeling. It doesn’t mean you feel better or that the day will go back to the way it was before the infraction. We don’t wait until we “feel” like forgiving, we do it as soon as it is asked of us.
We consider one another.
After the heat of the moment, we walk through scenarios and discuss how someone else might feel. It is an incredibly valuable skill to be able to see the world from someone else's perspective, to be able to put yourself in the shoes of another. We do this in big disagreements and small scuffles.
That’s enough for one post, I’d say. What other ways do you actively work to possess humility? I'd love to hear more examples and thoughts of how this plays out in your homes.
Remember, humility is never mastered. It’s daily work and it goes against our nature. YOU WILL NOT DO THIS PERFECTLY! Which gives you a great starting point to apologize and ask your children to forgive you. I get a lot of practice in this area unfortunately. Perfection isn’t the goal. It can’t be. Humility is the goal. Kindness will follow when humility is a daily practice.
And always remember Whose you are. You’d never teach humility without reminding that identity never changes. Value does not decrease when humility increases.
So the service project list ideas aren't bad...do them, and have fun! But the work starts way before you show up at the soup kitchen.