I cautiously opened the white folder that comes home every Tuesday afternoon from my son’s first grade teacher. Pulling out the pile of papers, I thumbed through a few pieces of schoolwork he’d completed, a class list of names for the Valentines Day party coming up and a request for a photo to hang outside the music room since February is his birthday month. Then a flyer about the 100th day of school that was coming up. For the 100th day celebration, the first grade students would be dressing up as 100-year-olds. I read through the list of ideas for costumes and whipped out my phone to order a pair of fake glasses, a bow tie and some suspenders on Amazon. They’d be here in 48 hours.
I switched over to Pinterest and looked at some of the ideas that other moms and bloggers had posted of their kids’ 100 year old costumes. I toggled back to the Amazon app and ordered a kit of hair chalk that included a white color so that we could color a beard on his face and salt-shake up his eyebrows.
Done.
Could life be any easier?
Apparently so. The 100th morning came and I whipped out my brilliant costume ideas with my suspicious 6 year old looking on. He quickly refused to play my game.
‘No. I don’t want to wear those.”
Annoyed, I persisted. “Oh, come on. It’s what everyone is doing.” (as if that’s ever qualified as a positive parenting message). “You’ll look so cute.” (one of his obvious goals in life) “I worked so hard to get all this stuff for you.” (a blatant lie)
The TRUTH was...I hadn’t even talked to him about it at all. I just assumed his teacher would hype them all up. The TRUTH was...I hadn’t worked hard to get all the stuff and the TRUTH is...I don’t want to teach my child that he should follow the crowd and always be doing what everyone else is doing.
The TRUTH was...I was being exposed.
As much as I am PURPOSELY AND ACTIVELY on guard against the trap of comparison, here it was staring me in the face. Comparison is tricky and sneaky. We can be minding our own business, harmlessly and genuinely looking for ideas or inspiration on social media and suddenly, we can’t remember what contentment felt like. We need to measure up. I mean...if my kid refused to dress up for his 100th day of school, what was I supposed to post on Instagram that day?
You hear all the sarcasm and self-disappointment in these words, right?
Not only had I fallen directly and deeply into the “comparison trap” without even knowing it, I’d also fallen into the “expectation trap” as well. The trap that we, as parents, hold expectations over our kids that they could never achieve. We say with our words that we want them to pursue their own dreams, to be their own person, to find identity and purpose in Jesus...but then we throw what can only be called a tantrum when they decide they won’t bow to our expectation. Expectations can show up anywhere...sports...academics...participation in 100th day of school activities, etc. The expectations I’d placed on my child were unfair, unwarranted and irresponsible.
Side note: This is not the same thing as expectations for obedience. We should absolutely require obedience and respect from our children. But this...this other thing I’m talking about today, it’s a different beast and it’s ugly when it comes out in the open.
So after I nagged him a little more, he obliged that he would wear the costume while he was trying to finish his scrambled eggs. I helped him put it on, hoping he would see just how clever and correct I was. But he wasn’t buying it and the dance continued.
Calmly...“Mom, I want to take it off. I don’t like it.”
I could see in the moment that he was unsure and lacking in self-confidence.
Me: “Fine, you don’t have to” (with strong undertones of disapproval)
Luckily my husband came into the kitchen and interrupted my not-so-subtle attempts to express my frustration with our sons unwillingness to just comply and do what I wanted him to do. They left for school and I was left alone in the house wondering how I’d stooped so low. Nobody yelled. Nobody cried. But I felt SO aware that I’d put my interests above my child’s. I’d not taken an opportunity to build him up and instill confidence because I was too busy pushing my own agenda.
Be On Guard
In the grand scheme, it wasn’t a big deal. But I’d let it go somewhere that I never intended and this ugly thing in my heart was revealed in a way that was uncomfortable. It has caused me to pause and wonder about how to do this better. How can we be on guard against comparison and unfair expectations? First, we must be aware that comparison alters our expectations. Nobody is above this and everyone has a different line that shouldn’t be crossed.
Do you need to remove yourself from social media completely?
Do you need to unfollow certain people?
Do you need to remove yourself from certain people in real life?
What do you need to do to keep yourself from comparing yourself to others?
Do it.
Second, living must be our focus. This seems simple, but I admittedly can find myself caught up in a place that I didn’t intend with an end focus that wasn’t the goal. For example, did I take the picture to remember the memory, or to share it on social media? What was the goal? Only you can answer that question.
Third, anticipation. If I had talked to my kid about what HE wanted to wear, my expectations wouldn’t have built up in an unrealistic way just to be deflated. Maybe he just needed a few days to get used to the idea. Or maybe he would have liked to pick out the bow tie on my phone. Or maybe ask a friend or two if they were dressing up to gain some confidence. Blindsiding him on the morning of was irresponsible on my part. I should have anticipated how it would feel to be him.
Lastly, humility and forgiveness. I can understand the desire to appear perfect before your children. But that won’t teach them anything about humility and forgiveness, and they’ll see through it anyways. When (not if) you mess up, redeem your failure. Use it to show them humility by apologizing for your misstep and asking them to forgive you.
What I’ve learned is that kids are much better at forgiveness. And forgiveness frees us from shame.
So the end of the 100th day story is that my husband snuck the glasses into the car and gave them to our son as he stepped out of the truck, just in case. And he chose them for himself. And I never took a picture and it was completely and 100 percent okay. And he forgave me in an instant with the most genuine and kind words when he got in the car after completing his 100th day of first grade.