I had always considered myself a night person. Then somewhere around 30, I realized that I wasn’t. But I wasn’t a morning person either. For a few years there, I was in a continuous cyclical phase of back to back pregnancy and breastfeeding, pregnancy and breastfeeding, and so on. Sleep was scarce and I was operating in exhaustion for years at a time. This is reality for most new parents and I accepted it as normal and as a season that would pass.
Comfortable Controlled Chaos...or not
However, during these same years when I was literally pouring myself out to create and sustain three tiny human lives, I hadn’t refilled my own bucket much at all. I had no reserves, no margin and little to no life being pumped back into me. As a result, our home had reached a level of chaos that was no longer comfortable. Chaos can be fun and exciting, and even humorous, when you have the capacity and the tools to experience it. Controlled chaos...as many like to say.
But I was not staying ahead of the chaos. I was a victim of it. And I had lost control.
So we had surpassed that level of comfortable controlled chaos (CCC) and had reached a breaking point. I was operating in a physically and emotionally exhausted state during almost every moment of my life. All the while, knowing and being keenly aware of how lucky I was to be able to stay home with my kids during these young years of their lives. But I wasn’t content.
I was stressed and yelling and had moments of being overwhelmed every single day. My husband was operating in the same way. In some ways, I truly believe he was feeding off of my own reactions once he walked in the door. He would walk into our home in the evenings and see that I was in a bad place and he would go into defense mode, defending me against our children. Our family was split...adults against kids. He would yell and I would suddenly jump ship and tell him how I never envisioned our home as a place of yelling...blaming him. He needed to stop.
But I did too. And I knew it.
A Ridiculous Idea
I slowly, ever so slowly, came out of the newborn fog. The third time took the longest. Homeostasis seemed a little more within arms reach and life didn't seem as stressful. It was a slow and steady climb out.
As I was brainstorming my hopes and goals for 2019, I started thinking about what it would take for me to make a lasting change in this area because I knew it was bigger than us. I had experienced periods here and there of relief from this cycle. But without realizing it, eventually, the yelling and frustration and overwhelmed feelings would be back at my doorstep, no...back within the walls of my home before I even had a chance to build up my own defense. I knew it was something that would take a combination of the Lord’s merciful intervention and my own discipline and will. This was physical AND spiritual and needed to be treated as such.
I decided to try something that up until this year had been a completely ridiculous and foreign solution. A morning routine that started before the chaos began.
I’m a major fan of sleep. I’d put it in my top five favorite activities to do...even before I was a mother. So in the past when I’d heard people suggest this as an idea for improving the course of a day, I kinda ignored the hype and convinced myself that this kind of thing wasn’t for me. You know, if you wake up early, you get less sleep, right? I’d heard the benefits and the success stories...but I just really didn’t care. I wanted to SLEEP. All the sleep...as much as possible. So I’m perfectly aware that some of you will read this and laugh it off. That’s fine. I get you and I don’t fault you at all.
So I took some advice that I heard from a friend and I asked myself, “What would the ideal morning look like for me?” And I began to make a list.
I wanted to be awake before everyone else when the entire house was dark and quiet. I wanted to wake up alone, brush my teeth and wash my face all by myself. I wanted to drink an entire cup of hot coffee. I wanted space to myself so that the first voices I heard in the morning were not those of my children. I wanted time to breathe and to sit and pray and listen for God’s voice.
Upfront, I knew myself well enough to know that in order to wake up earlier, I would need to go to bed earlier at night, (see above paragraph about my love for sleep). I was already waking up tired each morning, so the idea of waking up even earlier sounded like it belonged in the realm of impossible. So I moved up my bedtime one hour earlier and set my watch alarm for an hour early too.
Can I tell you something amazing? This has been transforming for me and not a struggle in the least.
I wake up refreshed. I am getting *just* slightly MORE sleep (not less), with the same number of middle-of-the-night interruptions, but I wake up easily and excited. Why? Because I’m about to experience my favorite part of the day. And part of me worried about the order of that. If my favorite part of the day took place at the very beginning, would I dread the rest of the day?
To my wonderful surprise, the opposite has taken place. I find myself less resentful of interruptions, unplanned circumstances, or disappointments because none of them can steal what's already taken place. I am free to pour myself out sacrificially without resentment or withholding because I've already been filled up myself.
I spend this time doing exactly what I put on that list of my “ideal morning”.
I wash my face and brush my teeth. I pour a hot cup of coffee in the dark, which can sometimes be tricky...and then I sit on my comfy sofa under a quilt and I pray. I leave my phone on my nightstand completely untouched. I don’t bring anything onto that sofa with me to read or “do” because for so long I've been "doing".
Reading. Learning. Podcasting. Writing. Always Doing.
But I was missing something that my soul has desperately needed for years. To be still before the Lord.
I do this Every. Single. Morning.
Even the weekends. Not out of duty or dread, but out of anticipation and excitement.
One thing to know is that we are officially out of the newborn sleep stage in our home, BUT we are not out of the phase where at least one kid is up with a problem almost every single night. I said it...every single night. When you have three kids, well at least my three kids, there’s always someone who has a bad dream, someone who wet the bed, or someone who spontaneously and without warning develops croup in the wee hours of the night.
So Can You
So know that even if it seems like you can’t do this because of the phase of life your little ones are in...I totally believe that you can. Not in a harsh, judgmental "I know better than you" kind of way. But in a "I believe you are more capable than you give yourself credit for" kind of way. I believe it will refresh your soul and prepare you to walk through your day in a completely different way.
You know yourself best. So ask yourself, what would your ideal morning look like? Even if you don’t care all that much about mornings, you still have an ideal. Maybe it’s completely different than mine. Maybe it’s getting up to knock out 2 hours of work before anyone wakes up. Maybe it’s going on a run or completing a Camp Gladiator session. What’s your ideal? And then think about what it would take to achieve that ideal morning for yourself. Would it be worth it to you to sacrifice something to make it happen? Maybe not...but then again, maybe.
Maybe it would change the entire rest of your day. Which would change your week. And your month. And your year.
And your life.
For me...it’s been transformational. It’s brought about new conviction. New peace. New appreciation. New capacity for chaos.
So it’s official. I’m 35 and I finally know that I’m a morning person. Wanna join?