Practical things that helped me move from a frustrated, frazzled housewife to a joyful, engaged homemaker
Last week, I posted on the blog about finding joy in the menial and mundane parts of motherhood. If you didn’t read it, go here before you continue any further, because that post is all about a critical perspective shift that I believe to be a necessary prerequisite before applying these practical tips.
Whether you’re a stay-at-home-mom, a part-time working mom, a work-from-home mom, a full-time working mom, or some other combination, we all come to a point when we feel bogged down. Exhausted from nothing. Helpless to finish anything.
It’s hard to pull yourself out of that “funk”, am I right?
So while discussing a shift in perspective is important, equally important is sharing how to practically achieve homeostasis inside the walls of your home and your heart. After I changed my perspective, there were things that I did to bring more joy into the day-to-day. I touched on this a little bit in one of my previous posts, but I’ll go into a bit more detail here as to the things that worked for me in the hopes that they will help you too. So much of this is simply planning ahead, so if you're a "wing it" person, this will feel completely out of the box.
Knowing yourself
Let me first share a little bit of what I’m learning about myself as a enneagram type 7 when it comes to this aspect of my life. I am pretty sure that the other 7’s reading this will nod along in agreement, but I don’t expect it to resonate with everyone now that I’m learning about how we all have different motivations for our outward actions. Before enneagram, I would expect that I could explain myself to others and they should all completely understand and move forward with my new outlook guiding them to a better life. Hello, self pride.
Enneagram 7’s are always seeking to do fun things, sometimes failing to enjoy actual moments because we’re never satisfied with how we’ve built them up in our heads. We’re always looking forward to the next adventure and we thrive on spontaneous plans. We are quick minded and confident but can be impulsive, rebellious and easily distracted. We hate being bored and we hate missing out on anything better that may be going on. This means that routines and predictability are a drag, and should be avoided. Hard fast rules feel suffocating and procrastination takes place anytime something “un-fun” is required.
Any other 7’s out there?
I saw lots of these things as flaws for years of my life. When I began reading that there is an entire population of people who possess these thoughts and motivations, I started working to see them as advantages, not things about myself that needed to be hidden or changed. But I also recognized that there were a few things working against me in my decision-making. I was making things much harder than they needed to be. I was procrastinating, tacking problems without a plan, and I was resenting others for the hardships I’d created in my own life.
In short, know yourself. Know your quirks, your strengths, your weaknesses, and the things that bring you life and the things that steal your joy. These will be different for each and every one of us.
So how did I figure out the homeostasis I so deeply desired? Well first...
1. I asked for help.
Friends, there are seasons of life that are hard. Are you in one? Are you barely keeping your head above water? Is there no extra time for yourself? Do small tasks feel overwhelming and impossible. Are you exhausted and burned out?
Ask. For. Help.
Do it now. Sit down and figure out what is overwhelming you. It may not be the state of your home, but if it is, hire a maid temporarily (or permanently) and fit it in the budget. Your sanity is worth it. Maybe it’s school drop offs that you could delegate to another mom from school. Maybe it’s cooking meals for your family or just getting groceries from the store to your home. Pay for grocery delivery or curbside pick up.
If there is no room in the budget, call a friend that you trust. Tell her. This will feel impossible and vulnerable and painful. Tell her that you would benefit greatly from a care calendar. Allow the people in your life to love you in the way that you need it most. They can cook for you. They can come play with your kids. They can clean your home. Yes. And then one day, you will be strong again. And you can offer this to someone before they have to ask for it. My friend, this is not how our culture tells us to mom. Our culture tells us to get your crap together and be a superhero and handle everything on your own. And no, you can’t do it. I couldn’t do it. And I needed help. I needed some of these things to be taken off of my plate for a season. And I wasn’t a failure. And the season passed.
Originally, I had this point at the end of this post, but then I realized...it absolutely needed to be first. Because the people who need to read that probably won’t make it through the rest. And I’ve been at that point. I also wouldn’t blame you if you don’t read any further.
2. I purged our stuff
Every single area of our homes could use purging and every single area is important and shouldn't be rushed. Kitchen cabinets, bathroom cabinets, playrooms, kids closets, adults closets, backyards. I’m married to a minimalist and I actually truly enjoy having less stuff and we STILL fall into this trap of over-consumption. We all need to purge, some of us more than others. And when you do it, you'll get a return on your invested time. So when you invest an hour, a day or a weekend, I can guarantee that you'll see that time come back to you later. When you purge your home of clutter, you'll spend less time each and every day dealing with it.
Does anyone else get excited about purging? Oh, I think it feels so good to get rid of stuff that I'm not using. I have a post all about the ins and outs of purging because it's been so life changing for me. There were things about it that I learned about myself, some things that stung a little bit. But overall, I'm so thankful for how purging our home of clutter has brought about freedom, peace and contentment in a new way.
The important thing I'll say in this initial post about purging is that it needs to be done on a regular basis. I don't necessarily have a guideline for how often you should do it because I find that I'm ALWAYS doing it now. I spend time in one room and then move to the next as I find the time to do it. My one time-specific advice is to purge TOYS at the BEGINNING of December. I also think it's a good idea to find some toys to purge before individual children's birthdays. The first time you do it right, it will sting. It will take a lot of time. You'll second guess yourself A LOT. But then, the second and third times around, you'll be so much more comfortable with it. And it won't take as long. It's true...the first purge is a doozy.
3. I made it fun
I came up with a way to make my “chores” less mundane. Listen to music that you love, call someone and put your earphones in, start a voxer chat with someone who can't ever pick up the phone. Or this...
It may sound nuts to you reading this (except I think all the 7’s will agree), but I can remember doing this as a child. When I have a task to complete, say, emptying the dishwasher, I’ll look at the time and race myself to complete the task. So if I start unloading at 4:34, I’ll give myself 6 minutes to complete my task. The goal is to be done at 4:40. It becomes a challenge inside my own head. If I don’t make the 6 minute mark, I never quit and walk away unfinished. I complete the task that I’d been procrastinating over and feel good that it’s no longer cluttering my head as a “to-do” item. Here’s where I sound like I’ve lost my marbles, I’ll count down by seconds inside my head as I’m finishing up so that my last action is just inside my imaginary buzzer.
Wow...I can’t believe I just aired out that crazy.
However, challenging myself, making it a game with a race against the clock not only engages my mind, it allows mundane tasks to lose their boring-factor.
4. I established routines.
This could be a post all in itself, and I promise it’s less crazy-sounding. I established routines. Daily, weekly and monthly routines. This is the part that I touched on in an earlier post. But here’s where I’ll get a little bit more detailed. Routines are something that I pushed back from for a long time. I didn’t want to get pigeonholed into people counting on me to follow a routine all the time. It felt suffocating. Like if I didn’t complete my routine, I’d be a failure. So I didn’t commit to anything. I didn't have a plan. And nothing ever got done.
I’ve listened to lots of podcasts, read a few books and pried into the personal lives of some very patient friends who have all given the same advice on routines. Plan them upfront and make them work for you.
Here’s my daily routines...but again, come up with routines that will work for you.
I have so much more to share about routines and rhythms and how they have transformed me in my home but I wanted to at least get this graphic up and give the disclaimer that routines will change with time. Nothing will stay the same and that can be equally beautiful and frustrating. But it also requires you to stay on top of the climate, use problem solving skills, and achieve results based on trial-and-error. So never ever forget mama, your role is not some mindless, unengaging job. You're doing some of the most captivating and important work there is. Stay tuned.