For years, I longed to be loved like I saw in the movies. I spent most of my years growing up seemingly playing the “sidekick” role for lots of my girlfriends. I watched my college roommates fall in love. I helped plan surprise engagement parties. I bought eleven (I think) bridesmaids dresses before I got the white one for myself. I was a supporting actress for years. And while it was a LOT of fun...it came with a lot of insecurity.
I spent years wondering if I was good enough to be the one that someone would choose. I can remember moments of weakness, contemplating whether or not I should tame areas of my personality or withdraw from social circles for lack of options. I had a few relationships that were marked by excitement and butterflies and most of the ingredients of teen romance movies, but I was always riddled with insecurity. I was always waiting to be discarded. And a few times, it happened just the way I feared it would.
Despite my own insecurity, I was actually surrounded by an incredible support system...family and friends that loved me and gave me good wisdom. I believed them when they said that I should use my single years to my advantage. But I still longed for a forever connection. A love that would never leave. A love that would fully satisfy.
And then I met him.
I met the guy who God had prepared for me and I didn’t know it yet, but he was kind, and interesting, outdoorsy and handsome, and he loved Jesus in a way that challenged me. He was introverted but also wildly loud and audacious when he was with his closest friends. His morality was like a beacon light to me. And his loyalty was unmatched. His loyalty was what drew me in. And when I was with him, I didn’t worry that he was going to leave. Maybe for the first time ever, I no longer felt like I didn’t measure up.
And maybe part of that was maturity over the years. Plus the fact that eventually, he did choose me. He chose me for his forever. But also, part of it was a unique piece of his character. He made me feel safe. To this day, I’d declare this as the thing that I needed most in my life partner. Someone who would be loyal and true.
We’re coming up on our ten year anniversary, which I have enough insight to know that it’s a milestone, but it’s not a crazy-impressive one. Let’s be honest though, our lives have changed more radically in these past 10 years than any other decade of life thus far. But in another 10 years, we’ll be raising three teenagers, so check back in with me then to see if my opinion on that has changed.
But here’s the deal. Ten years after the white dress and the marriage vows and the wedding cake with raspberry cream filling, he’s still all of those things that I listed above. Plus more, because now he’s the father of our children. But I can look back over the past ten years and remember times when I was tempted to believe that those things on that list were liabilities, not strengths. I can also think of times when I refused to be satisfied with those things in their current amounts, demanding more, expecting more, resenting and keeping score.
The things that drew me in to him were suddenly things that turned me away.
It’s funny how that happens, isn’t it?
No actually, it’s not. It’s a deliberate attempt by the enemy of God to get us to break our marriage vows. We know that God loves marriage. He designed it to reflect the covenant between Himself and us, His people. So if God loves marriage, who hates marriage? Make no mistake that there is one who hates your (and my) marriage. He’d love nothing more than for it to be destroyed. Let that perspective unite you and your spouse. Let it remind you that you’re on the same team. Let it reignite the excitement and curiosity and effort that you put into one another at the very beginning.
With our anniversary coming up, I’m planning to write a few more posts on marriage, but the main point I want to drive home is that those insecurities that I felt as a teenager and young adult were misplaced. No person could ever live up to the expectation that he would NEVER let me down. No husband, no matter how honorable and disciplined, will ever be able to love his wife perfectly. No wife, no matter how faithful and loving, will ever fully satisfy her husband.
That guy that I was actually looking for all along, the one that would never leave me or measure me against another, he was there all along. And I've never been the "sidekick" or "supporting actress" in his eyes, none of us are. My yearning for someone who would hold me safe and be loyal forever was a character design God placed in my heart as a child that I might desire Him.
There is but one forever connection. One love that will never leave. One love that will fully satisfy. Knowing and believing this takes a whole lot of pressure off of a spouse. It allows them to love well and grant and receive forgiveness. It brings expectations to a reasonable place. And our marriages get to be a glimpse, a reflection, of that One great love. The day in-day out may not feel it, but those small choices are holy. We are all doing holy work.