I’m writing today to say something that I’m not hearing anyone else say. Something that I think is critical and necessary. Something that if taken seriously could alter so many things about our culture at this specific time in history. Because I’m looking at the messages that are being implied, suggested and blatantly yelled at our men, and I see something crucial that’s missing.
To the men, the good men, we are so thankful for you.
See, I have two sons. And right now, they’re sweet, sensitive little boys that need encouragement and life spoken into and over them. They’re funny and clever and smart. They are loyal and kind and thoughtful. So many good things are naturally present in them, things that I didn’t necessarily teach them but I have nonetheless benefited from and been amazed by. And if I were to take cues from society on how to speak to my daughter versus my sons, I’d be creating a huge emotional void in these little, precious boys who I would literally move a mountain for.
I’d be empowering my daughter while demoralizing my sons. I’d be pushing them down to exalt her. Lifting her up at their expense. It would destroy them. It would extinguish a fire that was there inside them all along. One day, my two sons will grow up and be men. And the reality is that our world right now will look at them and assume the worst.
No one should be able to exalt themselves at the expense of diminishing another. So speaking into the value of our sons, our brothers, our fathers, our husbands and any man in our lives does nothing to diminish the value of our daughters, our sisters and our mothers.
A few weeks ago, I wrote about how motherhood is impossible. And the more I think about it, fatherhood is equally, if not more impossible. Because there’s this theme out there that moms need to be respected and valued and even allowed to indulge in whatever form of self-care they demand every so often. It’s the same for women who aren’t mothers.
But the fathers? The men?
There are no battle cries for them. There are no justice warriors taking up the cause of exhausted fathers who’ve laid down their own lives and preferences and joys in every way imaginable to serve their families...Their partners, their children, their parents, their churches, their neighborhoods, their jobs, their relatives. There are so many good men out there...Men of all ages, races and tax brackets...walking around, doing the hardest work imaginable and there’s no respite for them. There’s no relief, no self-care, no days off, no marches. No messages of “you matter”. Only messages against them. Only messages of discouragement, disillusionment, accusations and assumptions.
So can we just recognize what they do? These men who are brilliant and servant-hearted and brave and tender and valuable. Can we change the conversation and reinforce the idea that men should be treasured? That our world would stop spinning without them.
To the men who work hard every single day for the rest of us. The men who take extra shifts to provide for their people. And to the men who refused a promotion because it would cost them too much at home. And also the men who took the promotion to provide stability and safety at home. To the men who walk in integrity every single day, challenging those around them to do the right thing. The men whose sense of humor brings joy to everyone they meet. The men who love their wives and embody the phrase "living sacrifice" in the most literal way.
To the men who spend their weekends mowing the yard and spraying for bugs. And coaching little league teams. To the men who support the children they created. And to the men who stayed because they created children. To the men who stepped in and assumed fatherhood responsibilities in the absence of biological ties. To the men who cuddle babies and who make late night trips to the store for diapers and ice cream. To the men who shoulder the load. Who keep up with the budget so the mortgage payment is never missed. The men who open the jar that’s too tight or reach the fire alarm when it’s screaming at 3am. To the men who throw their kids high in the air and who have belly flop contests with their teenage sons at the pool. The men who tuck in their daughters at night with a story and a song. The men who apply Elsa Bandaids to bleeding knees.
To the men who run our churches and our hospitals, welcoming the lost, the broken and the hurting. The men who are gifted with strategy and problem solving. The men who protect our nation, who secure our borders, who put themselves in harms way every single day to secure our freedom and safety. To the men who are investing in the next generation. The ones sitting iin traffic to get places. The men who teach respect and boundaries and humility and kindness.
We need you.
We need you to keep doing the things that you’re doing. We need you to be the fathers you are. We need you to be the partners that you desire to be. We need you to be leaders in our communities, our schools, our neighborhoods and our homes. Because I don’t want to send my two sons out into a world that’s going to tell them that they don’t matter. That message would deflate and discourage them beyond words.
Despite the influx of messages of invalidation and un-appreciation. Despite the assumption that men are victimizers, know that we believe in the good that we see in you and we can’t do any of this without you. Might this message of encouragement, truth and genuine gratitude change the way that we speak to and about our men.
We believe in you. We need you. And we are thankful for you.