A few weeks ago, I was having a conversation with a sweet, new friend who just found out that she’s pregnant with her second baby. She’s excited and anxious. She’s not feeling all that well and struggling to keep up with her very active toddler. While talking with her, I remembered having those exact feelings when I was in that phase of my own life. I remember the uncertainty of adding a second child to the family and wondering how on earth anything was ever going to run smoothly, ever again. I remember that it was hard. I don’t remember exactly what was said in the conversation that led up to this, but at one point she said something that stopped me in my tracks.
She called me a “seasoned mom”.
She was endearing in her comment, as if she had an automatic respect and admiration for me, although we barely know each other. My immediate reaction, which I kept to myself, was that “oh my goodness, I am NOT a seasoned mom. I have NO IDEA what I’m doing ever.”
I smiled and carried it with me as I drove home later that morning.
But as I marinated on the comment throughout the day and up until this point, I’ve decided that I think she’s right. By all standards, I have three kids, 6, 4 and 2 years old, who I’ve successfully kept alive. One of them, who used to be a “bolter”, like...it's seriously a miracle we didn't ever lose him...is almost seven years old and a first-grader. He’s lost five teeth, reads books to me and reminds me to pick up the dry cleaning on our way home. And luckily he doesn't "bolt" anymore.
But I can remember those first few years of motherhood that were all babies and toddlers. Naptimes and diapers. Lost pacifiers and spilling snack trap cups. Backpacks with outfit changes. Diaper rash cream and teething toys. Bumbo chairs and bibs covered in yogurt. Countertops covered with air-drying breast pump parts and bottles. Did I mention Cheerios spilling out of snack trap cups?
During those years, when I considered families who had successfully sent at least one child off to elementary school I was struck with awe and wonder. They’d arrived. They were steps ahead of me and I admired their progress over mine.
“TEACH ME YOUR WAYS!”
Our youngest is still in the phase where lots of those baby and toddler things above are relevant, (not the cluttered countertops thankfully), but as a family, we’ve entered a new season. “Your family is the age of your oldest child”, so I’ve been told. And I believe it. I also believe in the truth and the power of seasons. Everything in our lives is seasonal, from the four seasons in a year, to the progression of childhood to adulthood. .
We have a need for change and also at the same time, a need for consistency. Seasons give us both. Seasons give us second chances. They allow us to start fresh and redefine a new normal for ourselves
A seasoned mom has been through a season...or two, or more.
But what about the other type of season?
Seasoning.
Seasoning in the kitchen enhances flavor. So a seasoned mom has flavor.
Just kidding.
But actually...yes. Think about it...something that’s been seasoned has had something added to it to enhance enjoyment. To upgrade the experience. A seasoned mom started off as a woman like any other, but has had days of joy and pain, fear and laughter added in. She’s been seasoned by her motherhood experience. She’s knowledgeable about things she couldn’t possibly have known before. She’s endured. She’s shed off a layer of selfishness and self-centeredness that only motherhood can expel. Yes, a seasoned mom has been “seasoned” with a set of life experiences individual to her own family, that enhances the flavor of her soul.
Now that I am where I am, I can look back and see some seasoning has been added to my heart. And I can see that we’ve mostly completed the “season” of newborn/toddler years. Yet I don’t necessarily feel like I have any “ways to teach.”
It made me wonder why not?
The more I thought about my initial response of feeling unworthy of the “seasoned mom” title, I uncovered some lies that I’ve been believing all along and the resulting pain that those lies are causing.
Isolation When we feel unworthy to share, mentor, engage and teach the next generation, we become isolated. Withholding ourselves from the mama’s who are just a few steps behind us can also cause them to feel isolated and alone too.
Invalidation
Our own experiences become less powerful. The potential ripple effect of sharing our lives with people who are a few steps behind is enormous. I think of the lessons I’ve learned along the way and how wonderful it was when someone mentored or advised me when I needed it. Their experiences validated mine in a powerful way, and then re-validated (that's a word) their own. As moms, we don’t all need to reinvent a wheel. We should absolutely let our experiences guide another.
Comparison
It’s true that someone will always be a bit further along than we are. And that’s a really beautiful thing, because hopefully they’ll hold our hands too...hello middle school years. But if I don’t see myself as having anything to offer the next person, my tendency will be to just sit and compare myself to those further along, all the while, looking ahead instead of being present in my own moment.
Gratitude
Truly, it seems that when I don’t think I have anything to offer in the world of motherhood, I’m forgetting how thankful I should be for how far I’ve come.
So if every single one of us could be willing to take the next group of mamas by the hand and say “you’re going to make it...I know it”, or even “how can I help?”, just imagine how much uncertainty we could take off of each others shoulders. Imagine the freedom we’d have to just live in the moment we’re in right now. We could savor the seasons. We could recognize how sweet they are when we’re right in the middle of them. And we could remember them better once they’re memories.
Isolation steals all of that.
Uncertainty steals it.
Lack of confidence steals it too.
So let’s all claim the title “seasoned mom” because no matter where each of us is in this adventure of motherhood, there’s absolutely someone timidly walking along behind us wondering how on earth we’ve gotten where we are today. There’s also someone ahead of each of us. Someone in the next phase of life who may seem like they’ve arrived, but are actually dealing with a new set of fears, uncertainties and also immense joys. Grab hands mamas.